Hetih's Haven

A book editor, TV addict, and musical theatre geek.
Living in Jakarta, Indonesia.

Close close all night
the lovers keep.
They turn together
in their sleep,

close as two pages
in a book
that read each other
in the dark.

Each knows all
the other knows,
learned by heart
from head to toes.

Untitled poem from Elizabeth Bishop
I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and knows that love is as strong as death, and be on my side forever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me.
Jeanette Winterson, Oranges are Not the Only Fruit (via larmoyante)
What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.
Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit (via colporteur)

I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you.

Jeanette Winterson

I don’t know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don’t care. I am me, and I don’t know who you are, but I love you.

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won’t be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I’m writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl’s Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson’s class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn’t.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it’s all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I’d go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn’t mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in “The Salt Flats.” It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine’s Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I’d seduced her. I didn’t blame her. God, I loved her. I didn’t blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn’t live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth….

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can’t feel my tongue anymore. I can’t speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I’ll die quite soon. It’s strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It’s small and it’s fragile and it’s the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don’t know who you are. Or whether you’re a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.


taken from

V for Vendetta by Alan Moore


On the blackened beaches of the island known as Kona,
the lanterned hands of Pacific hearts
appear in the eyelid of morning –

like a seed in your throat
ready to be swallowed,

they arrive with pockets of white stones
plucked from the tongues of highways

and they spell out the names of…

You act as though we will be together for ever. You act as though there is infinite pleasure and time without end. How can I know that? My experience has been that time always ends. In theory you are right, the quantum physicists are right, the romantics and the religious are right. Time without end. In practice we both wear a watch.
If I rush at this relationship it’s because I fear for it. I fear you have a door I cannot see and that any minute now the door will open and you’ll be gone. then what? Then what as I bang the walls like the Inquisition searching for a saint? Where will I find the secret passage? For me it’ll just be the same four walls.
Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.
Harvey Milk


This is a fantastic article by actress Maria Bello, talking about falling in love with a woman, the partners in her life and the new dynamics it creates.

Stunning and heartwarming too.


Film yang dinantikan jutaan penggemarnya di seluruh dunia, tayang 22 November 2013 di bioskop Indonesia. “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.” Diangkat dari novel laris karya Suzanne Collins, tahun 2013 ini bisa dibilang menjadi tahun yang lebih akbar buat seri The Hunger Games. Dibuat dengan bujet lebih besar, plot yang lebih padat, dan efek special yang menakjubkan. Namun jiwa utama film ini tetaplah Jennifer Lawrence yang berperan sebagai Katniss Everdeen.

Dalam film pertama Katniss Everdeen berhasil keluar sebagai pemenang Hunger Games bersama Peeta Mellark. Tapi kemenangan itu menyulut kemarahan Capitol. Kemenangan Katniss ternyata membangkitkan semangat pemberontakan di beberapa distrik untuk menentang kekuasaan tiran Presiden Snow. Presiden Snow mengancam Katniss untuk meredakan kegelisahan penduduk distrik. Satu-satunya cara untuk meredakan kegelisahan penduduk adalah membuktikan bahwa dia dan Peeta saling mencintai tanpa ada keraguan sedikit pun. Padahal sesungguhnya Katniss mencintai Gale.

Jika di “The Hunger Games” kita sudah diperkenalkan dengan Josh Hutcherson danLiam Hemsworth, yang berperan sebagai Peeta Mellark dan Gale Hawthrone, di “Catching Fire” ada tambahan aktor yang berperan sebagai peserta yaitu Sam Claflinsebagai Finnick Odair dan Jena Malone sebagai Johanna Mason. Dua tokoh ini memiliki peran penting dalam pertarungan Katniss di  Quarter Quell alias pertarungan Hunger Games yang ke-75.

Dalam “Catching Fire”, sutradara Francis Lawrence yang menggantikan sutradara Gary Ross dalam film pertama berhasil memampatkan cerita yang kaya plot ini dalam waktu hampir 2,5 jam. Namun semua adegan itu tak ada yang membosankan dan sia-sia. Skenarionya menghormati isi bukunya tapi tetap menjadikannya film yang utuh. Sebagai penggemar berat trilogi ini saya menyayangkan adegan di babak 3 alias di arena berlangsung terlalu cepat dan kurang menggali emosi Peeta dan Katniss. Tapi selain daripada itu, film ini sempurna menerjemahkan novelnya.

Film ini memang tentang Katniss. Untungnya Jennifer Lawrence tak bercela memerankan Katniss si Gadis yang Terbakar.  Penghargaan Oscar memang layak diterima gadis berusia 21 tahun ini. Dia yang menjadikan “Catching Fire” berhasil. Saya tidak bisa membayangkan ada orang lain sebagai Katniss Everdeen. Ini adalah peran yang akan membuat Jennifer Lawrence dikenal seumur hidup.

Ada sedikit kebanggaan buat Indonesia karena “Catching Fire” juga memperkenalkan nama desainer Indonesia ke ajang dunia karena gaun pengantin Katniss Everdeen merupakan rancangan desainer asal Indonesia, Tex Saverio.

Jika mau menonton “Catching Fire”, jangan terlambat masuk ke bioskop karena film ini dibuka langsung dengan adegan dialog, tanpa ada credit title atau basa-basi lagu pengiring. Walaupun kebanyakan penonton pasti sudah tahu bagaimana cerita ini dimulai dan berakhir. Karena jutaan orang yang menantikan film ini adalah penggemar berat bukunya. Yang paling menarik adalah akhir film ini tetap  setia pada bukunya. Ditutup dengan ledakan besar yang membuat penonton berharap bisa langsung menyaksikan film berikutnya.

@Hetih, 2013

PS: Untungnya di “Catching Fire” mereka menemukan kucing dengan warna yang tepat sebagai Buttercup, kucingnya Prim.